8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize