I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Too much gin, very little bucket
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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