There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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