Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
