wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
