About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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