He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
