Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
