I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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