I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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