Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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