Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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