You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Even my vagina gasped.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
