Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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