All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I want a musical about memes.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
