Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
