oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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