We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
