theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
