I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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