why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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