Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
