Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
