I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
