If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
