i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
