The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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