Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize