Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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