I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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