the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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