i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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