First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
