How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
