I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
