I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
zippers are such a cool invention
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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