she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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