new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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