I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
