apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize