Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
