my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
