Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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