i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
