...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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