i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
