Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
