She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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