I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
