to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
