the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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