Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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