Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
