I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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