dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dear god my vagina.
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