Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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