Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
