They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
