I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize