singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize