i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
