god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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