He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
