I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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