DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
