you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
