I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
