If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i now understand why vodka
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
