I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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