am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
