Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
