I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
